Your son is always with you
When tomorrow starts without me
Try to understand
That an angel called my name
And took me by the hand
The angel said my place was ready
in heaven far above
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love,
So when tomorrow starts without me
Don't think we're far apart
For every time you think of me
You will find me in your heart.
Morning Son...
It's been a strange old time here... This really, is the first anniversary of the time we realised that time was running out... Your problems with an intestinal blockage started this time last year and I think we worried nearly every day that 'this might be it'... I still don't know how you managed to fight it all for as long as you did...
We've booked dinner out for Christmas this year... I honestly can't face the idea of trying to make it happen at home and figured everyone might find it a little easier if the atmosphere was created for us... Your sisters and brother are really looking forward to it so I'm hoping it'll be a good choice - I've even bought a new dress! That must be a first in a long time...;-)
Daddy's been taken off dialysis for a bit - although they've had a right old drama again with some of his results and changes in medication... He had his permacath removed today and is feeling somewhat sore and sorry for himself... He managed some laughs with Nick tonight though watching some spoof film that no doubt you'd have enjoyed too - if only for the fact I thought it was awful...
I miss you so very much CJ... This time last year was unbearably hard - but so very precious at the same time... Moments when I would lie with you on your bed or rest on your chair to watch you whilst you were sleeping... That moment when you came with me to the front door to enjoy a few moments in the sun - you had your tube in, you looked so terribly ill, Daddy had to hold you upright on the chair - but you never took your eyes from me and I felt, right at that point, somewhere deep inside that you'd decided from there on in it was all about you and me kiddo... The full circle of your life was being made and you started the return journey from being a teenager growing into an independent life to a child as reliant on me as a newborn baby... The outside world and the sun in the sky didn't matter to you anymore, it was just me... That, my gorgeous boy, was a moment of pure beauty, love and clarity that I quite rightly, will never feel again...
I just want you back home to hear your laugh, touch your hair and smell your skin... But it's not going to happen and somehow I've got to make myself believe that you are somewhere and that in that somewhere you are happy, comfortable, at peace, still laughing and able to feel how very loved you are... Everything I would ever want for you my son...
Love and hugs CeeJay xxx
Birthday Cake
This birthday makes me older, but perhaps not as wise as I could be...
If flowers grow in heaven son, please pick a bunch for me...
I know you’d like some birthday cake, a chocolate dream for after tea...
I'll make your slice a big ‘un, but it's you I'd love to see...
x
Hi Son
I'm not too sure how to muddle through today... There's only one birthday wish I really have and that's to have you back home where you belong...
How do I enjoy cake and party food when you won't be there? How do I enjoy opening cards and gifts when I won't see your eyes sparkling and hear that enormous laugh? How do I not miss your "Happy birthday Mum" and the usual hug and kiss?
Since it hit the six month mark it's been a bit of a nightmare... You're a part of my history now rather than my present as the other children are... They are so wonderful and trying so hard to please - but I miss you in the head count... They say time helps but it doesn't... All time does is bring more occasions and events which do nothing other than highlight your absence...
You tried to smile to the bitter end my son... I wish I could do the same... Love you x
Morning Sweetie
Well it's been six months since you went away...
I don't know where the time has gone... It's been so busy here... I'm muddling through the days with a smile in place for most of it but it's just so darn hard... If I let the lid off the emotions I don't know if I'd be able to put it back on again... I thought I'd be starting to adjust by now but I couldn't be further away from that if I tried... If anything, the hurt just seems to be growing... I want so very much to remember the fun we had in the first 13yrs but all I can see is your struggle towards the end... You deserve so much to be remembered with love and smiles - not pain and tears... I'm just not sure how to get there my beautiful boy...
Your sister did really well in her AS exams... She passed three of the five so I'm really chuffed for her... Daddy and I took her and Sarah to the Upper Boat for lunch today - it was really nice to spend some time with the two girls and they stuffed themselves silly with lunch and some huge chocolate concoction for desert... It was a lovely carvery and made me think of the last time I had one when we were staying in Tenby... If I could go back in time I would in a heartbeat...
I start training today to do daddy's dialysis at home... I'm hoping it goes well and we get sorted quickly... It'll be so much easier for the rest of the family and cut down on the long days at the unit for daddy... I just wish I'd had a little more time before I had to stick my nursing hat on again...
I miss you so very much... It's a struggle son and one I'm not enjoying much at the moment...
Take care, fly high, be at peace and know that I love you with every fibre of my heart... xxx
Hi Son...
It's been so long - but to say chaos has ruled the roost at home is an understatement... Dad had some trouble at the new dialysis unit which made him rather ill but I think we've sorted it now... On the good side, we've been accepted for home dialysis so I start training on the 24th of this month to hook Dad up and take him off the machine... Deep joy, a whopping bit of equipment at the side of the bed...:-)
It'll make it easier though - we'll be able to work out a bit more of a routine when he's dialysing at home instead of messing about with the unit...
I'm missing you so much... If anything it all seems to be getting worse son... I'm feeling so angry and so upset and it just seems to be constantly bubbling away under the surface trying hard to get through... Not much point in throwing mugs around though or just sitting and crying for hours on end - it certainly won't bring you back or help me think of you with a smile... Perhaps it's just all been a bit too much in the last few months between your going, my op, then daddy's transplant failing... I've got my fingers crossed it'll all settle soon and I'll have chance to calm a little...
We had beautiful sunshine today son... You would have loved it... The last time we had sunshine together we had to carry you to a chair by the front door and we just watched each other in the warmth... I just wish, even for the shortest moment, I could touch you again and see your smile... Fly high my son... xxx
Hey there x
Not been by for a while but it's been a right old muddle here...
Still trying to recover from my op and then Daddy got admitted... He's been terribly ill and it appears his special kidney has definitely stopped working now... They finally discharged him the end of last week and he's now having dialysis every Monday, Wednesday and Friday... His blood tests still aren't very good but he's a lot better than he was - so fingers crossed he'll improve and toes crossed there might be the chance of another transplant in the future...
The rest of the tribe are mooching along ok although your brother seems to be getting himself into a few pickles in school... Hopefully he'll settle down a bit now over the summer holidays...
Summer holidays son... The summer was always your time... I hear the children outside playing and miss hearing your loud laugh so much... I keep waiting for it and it just doesn't come...
It's a horrible world sometimes... xxx
We wish that they could be with us
This very special day
Cause they were like a rush of sun
Before they went away
We lit this candle so that we
Might bring them here awhile
As we remember their bright flame
Their laughter and their smiles
We wish that they could share with us
The happiness we feel
Cause knowing that they knew our joy
Would make it all more real
But even though they are not with us
Their presence is still strong
Cause in their heart we'll always find
The love for which we long
ALL MY LOVE GLORIA ANTHONY'S MOM XOXO
THESE SHOES
I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not their's
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
MOTHER AND CHILDS BOND
The Cord
We are connected, my child and I,
by an invisible cord not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord that connected us 'till birth,
this cord can't be seen by anyone on earth.
This cord does its work, right from the start,
it bonds us together, attached at the heart.
I know that its there though no one can see,
the invisible cord, from my child to me.
The strength of this cord, it's hard to describe.
it can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord, man could create,
it withstands the tests, can hold any weight.
And though you are gone, not here with me,
the cord is still there, but no one can see.
It pulls at my heart, I am bruised....I am sore,
but this cord is my lifeline, as never before.
I am thankful that God connected this way,
a mother and a child, death can't take it away!
All my Love. Have a wonderful weekend. Love Gloria Anthony's Mom xoxo
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